


Carved you in Infinty

by Cas_203



Category: One Direction, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Canon Compliant, Copious amount of Italic use, Feelings, Forced Closeting, Harry Styles Loves Louis Tomlinson, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I’m so sorry, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, M/M, Modest! Managment, referenced/implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 03:39:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14096403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_203/pseuds/Cas_203
Summary: He curses the fact that they have a schedule, that they’re doing this backstage after a concert in Paris (and isn’t that fitting, to lose love in the place you were supposed to find it?). He would drag this on for eternity, if he could, and make Harry stay longer than his memories.Or: They loved each other, but Harry couldn’t watch Louis fade away.





	Carved you in Infinty

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone. Hope you guys are well!
> 
> First off, I just wanna day that I do not in any way, shape, or form, own One Direction, Modest!, or Simon Cowell. I’m merely taking these people and applying scenarios.
> 
> Also, I am not assuming anyone’s sexuality or relationships. Harry has said he doesn’t like labels and I respect that, Louis has never said anything in regards to his sexuality and I respect that, Larry Stylinson has never really been explicitly denied or confirmed and I respect that. I’m happy for the boys however and whoever they are.
> 
> That said, my pineapples, I hope you enjoy this- It’s been a while since I’ve written this much in one sitting and I’m hoping you enjoy it.

_They don’t fall apart because of screaming words or unexplainable silences; they don’t fall apart because of lost love or hesitant, fleeting kisses; they don’t fall apart because of expectations and pressure and hypocrisy; they don’t fall apart at all._

 

_But they do._

 

It should be noted that there isn’t a final argument with cutting words that bleed their organs dry, there aren’t rashly aimed blows at the softest parts of each others’ skin, there isn’t a cliché _‘I care about you, but we can’t,’_ speech- it’s done calmly, their voices for once not a betrayal to their love.

It’s done after a concert in which- and Louis doesn’t know why- Harry doesn’t stop staring at him, green eyes following his every movement as a silent act of defiance to all those who worked their asses off to bury them ever since the first time Louis let his lips touch his. Perhaps fittingly so, it’s done by Harry.

I’m not saying there weren’t tears, because there were, but there was no disagreeing, no shock, no refusal. Harry said _‘This can’t go on.’_  and his voice was inherently sad in a way it had never been, Louis said _‘You’ve grown up,’_ and his voice was full of acceptance and comfort in a way it shouldn’t have been, and that was it, essentially.

Except, of course, it could never be. They stood staring at each other for a moment, eyes begging the other to say something, and Louis did ask why _then_ , why in _that moment_ , and Harry did reply with _‘_ Because I watched you out there, and you only smiled once. We ruin each other, going on like this,’ as he stepped closer, hand coming to lightly grip onto Louis’s jacket cuff.

Louis had understood.

No, they did not argue or scream or shout, but they kissed with silence now instead of fire, burned with gasoline instead of each other’s touches- too afraid, too forbidden, too wary of their management’s eyes watching. They were living inside pages of each other’s favourite books, and it was inevitable that they would have had to end.

He had nearly said that he didn’t mind, that he would rather live ruined by Harry instead of whole without him, yet in the end Louis just nodded jerkily. Honestly, he didn’t know why, or maybe he did (maybe he knew it was because Louis, himself, was alright with being ruined, but ruining someone else? Ruining the boy he loved? That was something he would never do).

 _“_ I loved you. I love you.” Louis let that slip, and allowed himself a moment to revel in the slow smile that graced Harry’s lips at the word, allowed himself to memorise the way his tongue darted out to lick at his bottom lip and allowed himself to feel anger (Why? Why? He didn’t know why) at the subtle voice crack in the younger boy’s voice when he spoke.

”Forever?”

And, what? The answer confused him, left his mind realing because he knew the word had to have some meaning- Harry was quirky, and odd in the most beautiful way, but never random, not in things like this.

 _“_ Last year, after a meeting with Simon- remember the one, where he told us to ‘tone it down’?“ Harry starts, and Louis’ own eyes widen in realisation because he knew, now. He remembered what forever meant, and he saw when Harry registered the exact moment Louis understood and went on despite it, “I told you that I would love you through everything, that I would love you all my life. You said you loved me more, that you would love me forever... I didn’t lie.”

The unspoken question hung silently in the air. _Did you?_ He understands that Harry isn’t asking if Louis would never love someone again, because he’s not naive (he’s grown up, he’s grown up, God, Louis _knows_ he’s grown up). Harry is asking if there was a part of Louis, inside him, that had a permanently carved _H_ that no other boy or man could cut through or erase. Harry was asking if he was _still_ Louis’ forever, he was asking if he was forgiven for starting this, and Louis was so startled by his doubt that he could do nothing other then pull him close and let his hands tangle in brown, curly hair.

“I didn’t lie, Louis. I know it’s unfair of me to ask you this when _I’m the one_ doing... _this_... but I didn’t lie and I need to know you-“ wet words muffled in the side of his head, and they make Louis want to break.

Despite his heart telling him he was being too hopeful and had too much faith in himself, Louis believes the words that he let loose, then, because he would be damned if he ever forgot the boy pressed against him, edges slotting with his perfectly, “I didn’t- never lied to you, babe. We’re forever, you and I. _We’re forever._ ”

Because Louis would never love someone like he loved Harry, would never want to be _ruined_  by anyone else.

 

Harry pulls away first, eyes red and timid, masquerade smile on his face (the smile he used when trying not to cry and, god, Louis would never be able to hold him like that again), “I’m gonna miss you, Louis. I’m gonna miss you so fucking much, and I’m sorry that I have to say that,”

As subtly as he can manage, Louis blinks away his own tears, clearing his throat and letting his Adam’s apple bob, “Don’t be sorry, Haz. I’ll still be here, even if not in the same way. Maybe we can make something out of that?” Even as he whispers out the words Louis understands their absurdity- to go back to friends after a love like theirs? It wasn’t possible, couldn’t be. It was everything or nothing, warmth or cold.

Footsteps register in Louis’ mind, and he curses the fact that they have a schedule, that they’re doing this backstage after a concert in Paris (and isn’t that fitting, to lose love in the place you were supposed to find it?). He would drag this on for eternity, if he could, and make Harry stay longer than his memories.

“Maybe we could’ve grown old and gotten married in another universe,” Louis throws out instead, as Harry’s eyes start to dart to the door. They didn’t have time.

Still, Louis notices- of course he does, he always will- Harry is slow with his words; he doesn’t know whether he would get another chance to say this. “Maybe we did, actually... But I still wouldn’t trade this.”

Louis’ breath is sucked away. The honesty in his voice was prominent, the implied _‘I’m thankful for you, thankful for what we had,’_ even more so _._

 _‘I wouldn’t either,’_ Louis wants to say. _‘Baby, I wouldn’t either,’_ but then there’s a knock on the door, their manager’s sharp voice intruding in this moment that should have been only _them_ , two boys too deep in love, and there’s her voice saying Harry has two minutes to get in his car, and it’s so _sudden_ , _so_ , _so_ _sudden_ , Louis doesn’t say a word.

Harry looks at him, and then looks away.

Harry opens his mouth, something eternal on his lips, but there’s another knock, his name sharply said in business voice, and he shuts it.

Harry steps away, his trembling hands rising to twist open the doorknob.

Harry  steps outside, shutting the door behind him, _but not before one last glance,_ and Louis lets him walk away.

 

_There wasn’t an argument, so maybe you were expecting a kiss. Maybe you were expecting more, familiar lips mapping familiar bodies and writhing boy coming undone on top of writhing boy, or maybe you were expecting something softer, something like the brief hug they shared as their last taste of each other’s safety but **more** , something like curl filled head laying on toned chest and quiet songs sung in ears._

_Maybe there should have been._

_Maybe there should have been a kiss, something Louis could keep for when the stars seemed too dim and the galaxy too big; maybe there should have been more, so Louis didn’t yearn for pink, pink lips when they sang damning words and his body didn’t forget it’s other half; maybe there should have been something softer, so Louis could make sure that his boy knew he was forgiven, that it was okay, that they were going to be okay (even if it would have been a lie, the first one Louis had ever told him)._

_Maybe there should have been a kiss, and maybe, in another world, there was._

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry, if I hurt you with the ending. I hurt me too. Feel free to scream at me in the comments, or maybe (pretty please?) show some love? I’d love to hear what you guys think. What was your favorite line? What angered you to confused you? Any behind the scenes you’d like to know? 
> 
> Also, I have not abandoned my other fics. For ‘Mercy Bled Onto Us’, though, I will be posting an important disclaimer soon.


End file.
